June 30, 2013 0 Comments.

I have found my future wife.

  • She cooks.
  • She cleans.
  • She is between 18-28.
  • She is single.
  • She is friends with at least one of my friends (you know, for an introduction).
  • And she is one of these three people.

How do I know that?  Because the new Facebook Graph Search tells me these are the only three girls that fit all those criteria.  I stalk at a whole new level now.

I am forever indebted to the new Facebook Graph Search.  Before I got it, I used to be a decent Facebook stalker.  Now I am the Superman of Stalk.

Here is why you should get Facebook Graph Search too… because not only can it turn you into a matchmaker, it can turn you a home breaker, or a job taker (see how that all rhymes?  I was really proud of that when I wrote it).  Let me show you what this thing can do.

Becoming a Home Breaker (or Finding a Cheating Spouse in 30 Seconds)

First, let’s search for people who use the new popular dating app, Tinder.  See, even though Tinder promises it won’t show ever post to your timeline (in case you’re embarrassed to be swiping hotties) it is still “searchable” with Facebook Graph Search.

Hey look! There I am using Tinder! And I’m only slightly ashamed!

Now there is nothing wrong with using Tinder…unless you’re married.  Nobody like adulterous thumbs. 

So, when we sort this list to show only people who are married, what do we get?

Voila!  A decent sized list of people with adulterous thumbs!  This is just a small sampling of my “married by day, swipe hotties on Tinder by night” group.

And, should I take it upon myself to report all these fine ladies and gentlemen to the proper authorities, all I have to do is click the “these people’s spouses” button!  See?  Under 30 seconds EASY!

Alright, those last two searches were just for fun – but this thing can actually be used for something good and practical.  Like getting your dream job. 

Becoming a Job Taker (Getting started on your dream job with Facebook)

Now first of all, did you know that over half of the new, white collar jobs started in 2012 were never “posted” anywhere or “applied to”?  None of them required resumes, recruiters or interviews.  What ended up happening in ALL of those cases was that companies gave the jobs to people that they already knew and liked (It’s not what you know, it’s who knows you).

So, how do you start connecting with the right people?  I’ll give you an example:  Let’s say I’m a BYU student whose dream job is to write at the New York Times.

First up, playing the Alumni Card

I pick my filters as BYU and New York Times, and what do you know, I’ve got a great match – someone who worked in H.R. AND they used to work at the NYT but don’t anymore.  We will send a quick message that sounds something like this…

“Tiffany – I’m Tanner Jones, a BYU student who is about to graduate next year.  I stumbled across your profile and I when I saw that you were (1) A BYU grad (go cougs!), (2) Worked at the New York Times (my dream employer), and (3) live in Virginia Beach (my sister is going on a mission to Virginia in a month!), I KNEW I had to message you.

Anyways, I was looking to get the inside scoop from you…I’m looking for information about what it is like to work at the NYT.  Most people who are currently working at a company only talk about the perks and never about the warts of a company.  I’m hoping since you don’t work there anymore you would be willing to give me some straight answers I can’t get anywhere else about what it is like to work at the NYT…plus the fact that you worked in their H.R. department means you probably have a better view than most about the bests and worsts of working at a company.

Could I message you a few short questions about your experience working there so I can have a full picture of what it is like before I completely set my heart on it?

Once again, thank you so much for your time, I hope to hear back from you!

 Important things about this message

  1. Point out as many commonalities you have.  (BYU, NYT, Virginia)
  2. Don’t be creepy, say your name, how you found them and the things you saw that made you want to talk to them.
  3. Point out specifics about their situation to show you are sincere and that you’ve done your homework  (what specific insights can a former employee from HR give us?)
  4. Ask a yes/no question.  People are VERY busy, and you’ll have more success if all you need from them on the first interaction is a one word answer rather than blabbering all of your questions all at once.
  5. Be grateful  You are a random internet weirdo asking for help.  This person deserves a freaking medal for helping you out – treat them like it.

Next, playing the “Friend of a friend” card. 

Here I pick my filters as New York Times and Friends of Friends.

This time I have TWO great matches, one of them is even a current reporter!  This time, I won’t write a sample email (even though I have a template I use for this type of message, just like the last one), but I’ll give you a hint – don’t message them directly, ask to be introduced by the mutual friend.  (sidenote – should I write about this and other email scripts that I use?)

More Ideas For Connections

We could do this again for NYT employees with the hometown Denver, CO,  NYT employees who share mutual likes with me,  NYT employees that share the same religion, age or what degree they got in college.  All we need are a few points of common ground.

We could build up an army of contacts at the NYT, ask a few questions, help them find sources, offer to work as a personal assistant for them in exchange for “seeing how they work”, put their names into google alerts to see whenever they write an article so we can comment on it and share it on FB, really anything!  Then, when we graduate a year from now, we have an army of people at the NYT who love us and are willing to help us find our way into a job at the NYT because we’re friends with them, and who doesn’t want to work with their friends?

Anyways, what is the point of all of this?  The point is you need to sign up for Facebook Graph Search, because at worst you’ll at least find a few funny things to search and at best it will help you find your dream job and your soulmate.  You can thank me when you get married by naming your first child after me.

PS – You should sign up to get email updates for my blog posts for two reasons

1.  You like my blog posts

2.  Everyone who subscribes to my blog posts gets an email from me explaining how I by spending $0.57 cents a week, I get an extra hour and a half of time every week.  So if you think your time is worth more than $0.38 cents an hour, then you should subscribe so I can change your life by giving you 90 extra minutes a week.

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