March 01, 2012 5 Comments.

I’m running for BYU Student Body President!

But not really. (Mostly because they don’t accept dropouts).

But if I did, I’d be the best one there ever was.

Because really, when was the last time a BYU Student Body President really did anything awesome?  All I would have to do would be throw a pizza party or two and I would be the most accomplished of them all.  (PS – if this hurts anyone’s feelings, I’m sorry.  Kind of.)

So, even though I’m not on any ticket, when student elections come around, vote for me.  Why?  Because these are the 18 things I would do to make BYU awesome.

  • 1. A giant parking structure built next to the JKB that can hold 1000 extra cars because parking is redunkulous.

    Oh, you want a parking lot? How about a giant Biology building instead?  #notinmypresidency

  • 2.  Premium Parking – Students can pay an extra $500 to get a 4 year, lifelong pass to park in ‘A-lot’ Faculty Parking while we’re waiting for the parking structure.

    We could call it the Belmont Tax (don’t laugh Village and Arlington, you’re next)

  • 3.  Faculty Parking, which usually opens up at 7PM to students, should open up at 3PM (how many professors are really showing up at school at 3:30PM anyways?)
  • 4. A door on the south side of the library because there is nothing more annoying than having to walk an extra 3 minutes through the library all the way to the north side to get out.
  • 5.  Mandatory video recordings of ALL classes available online for students so you don’t have to copy someone’s notes if you miss class.

    You Know You Loved Watching Norm on Your Laptop Instead Of Going to Class.

  • 6.  Also, either we have no classes of over 300 students (all online), or there is a rule that each student is allowed only one question or comment the entire year in any class larger than 300 students.  This should eliminate ‘that one kid’ that is in every huge class like Econ 110 or American Heritage that just says stuff that makes Snooki look like a genius.  If ‘that one kid’ speaks up more than his allotted one time in class, he is banished from class attendance and can only view classes online.  No exceptions.

    “Excuse me sir, that’s the second Snooki-like statement you’ve made this year. Get out.”

  • 7. Three rock concerts a year in the Marriott Center to fund all of the iFlip cameras for every single class recording.  One of these concerts must include an 80’s band.  No exceptions.

    I feel like a Rick Astley concert would be a hit with the unnaturally high proportion of red-headed BYU-ligans

  • 8. Renegotiated BYU campus housing – so that to be BYU approved, you have to give students the option to sign apartment contracts that are only one or two semesters long.  None of this ‘year long’ crap.
  • 9.  The JFSB installs a system to show your score for multiple choice tests you take in their computer lab like the regular testing center has instead of having to wait 2 weeks for your Spanish teacher to grade it and then tell you.
  • 10. Any student assigned to a teacher with a ‘poor’ Ratemyprofessor rating is allowed to switch classes away from that professor and be allowed to take the class from a higher rated professor.

    Nobody should have to put up with a 2.4

  • 11.  Every Semester, BYU will publish a ‘best of the best list,’ listing the highly rated professors according to students, AS WELL AS a ‘barrel scraper’ list, where lowest rated professors are listed, and then professors are able to write in and either defend themselves or explain what they plan to do in the future.
  • 12. All classes must send out either a tweet or an email every Monday and Thursday alerting students of pending assignments.

    But really, I hope they choose twitter, just because every time old people use hashtags it cracks me up

  • 13. The Bookstore must display the difference in price between what they charge for a textbook and what the textbook was last sold for on Amazon, and include several Ipad ‘kiosks’ in the bookstore where students can log into their Amazon accounts, compare prices for themselves and get the books shipped to their apartments.  edit:  BYU has decided to take my advice and they actually do this now.  I’m not even elected yet and my policies are already taking place.  You’re welcome.  
  • 14.  In order to hand out flyers in the Wilk, a $5 per hour rate will be charged per group.  (This should eliminate 90% of annoying flyer people in the Wilk).

    Every time I see someone handing things out in the Wilk, I want to grab all their flyers and do this.

  • 15.  Between the hours of 11 and 1, half of teriyaki sticks is to be converted to Subway in order to reduce the incredibly long 40 minute wait that is there every weekday to get a Spicy Italian Sub on white.
  • 16.  Anyone earning LESS than $12 an hour after graduation can defer payment of the last semester’s tuition to BYU until they have been employed for at least 3 months at that earning level.

    Unless you’re a drama major. You should have known better.

  • 17.  A statue of Jimmer pulling up and shooting a three pointer erected DIRECTLY in front of AND facing the Brigham Young statue so it looks like the second prophet is moments away from getting Jimmered.   Also, the flagpole should have a engraved gold plate at its base which reads – “Shawn Bradley Statue”

    If we could change the Brigham Young Statue so that it looked like he was playing defense, it would be even better.

  • 18. Free Chocolate Milk Devotionals.  Devotional attendance has been slowly slipping for the last 15 years and they don’t know what to do about it.  Answer?  Free Chocolate Milk for all attendees.  The milk can be paid for by a sponsor who is allowed to play a 3 to 4 minute advertisement on repeat for 20 minutes as people filter in AND out of the Marriott Center before and after the devotional.  Only catch?  The student has to tell the chocolate milk giver what was advertised before they get their chocolate milk. Everybody wins.

See?  I’m awesome.  Vote for me.

PS – I’m taking applications for VP. To be accepted, you must either (1) have incredible ideas to contribute or (2) just catch me in a good mood.

PPS – Did you like this post?  Well I’m about to publish the best post ever about how I turned my roommate into an Indian Sex Symbol with $15 dollars.

India loves this man… a little too much.

 Its decently hilarious (the phrase “I would pay to watch him undress” is uttered by an Indian groupie, and there is a video fan message that is painfully awkward/funny)  Gimme your email and I’ll shoot you a message when I post it (No, I’m not going to spam you, its just to send you a reminder message to check out the post when I publish it, calm down).

5 responses to “18 Reasons I Should Be BYU Student Body President”

  1. […] I’m Running For BYU Student Body President […]

  2. Andrew says:

    Do you need a running mate…?

  3. […] Other Recent Blog Post You Might Like – 18 Reasons I Should Be BYU Student Body President(even though I’m a dropout) […]

  4. Rob Nelson says:

    This made me laugh out loud more than once. Great ideas.

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